But in the meantime as I slowly reorientate and ponder a new year for The Ultimate Makeover, here's a brief thought, one that reminded me that I am loved and I hope will remind you of the same.
So we get to walk right up to God. I've never lived outside of thinking I can do that because I was born a child encouraged to talk and go to Him. Over years it has sunk in deeper that He is never angry with me whatever my failings. That nothing I do can separate us - there is shed blood between.
And yet I'm not sure I always see Him like this. If He is never angry then there is always pleasure on His side at the sight of me. I should live in that love and welcome. Know that always the path is cleared because a cross was carried ahead of me.
Yet there is fear sometimes. Not of punishment anymore. But I see my needs and pains and troubles and I am afraid of disappointment - of running to God and somehow being let down.
But these words of Jesus turn that on its head:
"Look, I am standing at the door, knocking. If one of you hears me... and opens... I will come in to share his meal, side by side with him."
Revelation 3:20 Jerusalem Bible
It isn't all about me going to Him afraid of the ways in which He might let me down because HE HAS ALREADY COME TO ME. I'm not the one who has to run. HE HAS DONE ALL THE RUNNING.
And He wants so much more than me standing before Him. He wants to be friends. Proper friends. The kind who save a seat for each other in the dining room, who everyone knows are always partners on the school trips.
As Basil Pennington says: "We won't sit with a table between us. It will be side by side."