I have been to 3 hour services wanting somehow for them to mean something. For there to be a deep spiritual connection. Instead, I feel a deep disconnection from anything spiritual. Everyone else looks so moved. But I feel sadder about the deaths of people closer to me than I do about Jesus's.
I am meant to have felt a certain way all Lent. I am meant to feel elated in 2 days time. But I am very rarely good enough at being what I am meant to be. And by whose standards am I meant to be these things anyway?
Every morning I wake up and look at the cross. A crucifix just happens to stand on the window sill by the bed.
Every day, more and more, I want to choose to look at the cross in my mind's eye. Not to run to other places, other helps. But to return to what I know. What I place my hope in:
THAT THE CROSS STANDS OVER IT ALL
The day is hard or I feel unwell or there are needs and challenges. And God says:
"Woe to those who... rely on horses and trust in chariots because they are many and in horsemen because they are very strong, but they look not to... nor... consult ME! And yet I am wise.
In trusting confidence shall be your strength.
I long to be gracious to you."
(Isaiah 31:1,2, 30:15 AMP, 30:18 NIV)
I might even set the clock on my phone sometimes to remind me through the day to look at Jesus again and what is true:
"Thank you Jesus. This problem is part of the curse of the Law. But Galatians 3:13 says that you have redeemed me from the curse of the Law. Therefore I have been redeemed from this problem. Thank you for honouring what Jesus did on the cross in my life today."
I can never share in the anguish of the cross. I can never know the punishment for ALL MY SIN.
That is why I stand gawping at another Easter. Wide eyed before the One who took it all until He could cry: "It is finished!" (John 19:30).
I don't necessarily feel especially sad or sorry but when I stop bothering about that, I am full of awe and gratitude.
This is the last in an Easter series about the cross.
Week 1: Cross Equals Love
Week 2: Cross Equals Healing
Week 3: Cross Equals Success
Week 4: Cross Equals Freedom
Week 5: Cross Equals ALL